fantasy phallus: an introduction
I’m ready to change my lingering-in-the-blogosphere-background ways.
Times are pretty topsy-turvy right now and what we need right now is good, inane laugh, a silly fantasy. Our culture’s under pressure, and a little relief is something welcome. Men have their fantasy football, but what about for the women? I won’t get too deep into a gendered comparison with fantasy football, because I don’t know or understand that process… but eschewing the foot variety, I’ll be discussing something nevertheless proximal to balls. It’s the other primary thing men tend to think about– or at least with– most of the time, am I right?
Here I will fancifully imagine the aforementioned fantasy member of a range of notable, yet horribly unrepresented, who’s who of hoo hoos… I will poke at the part that has been more or less heard about, but nary seen in cinema and popular culture (save for Jason Segel’s lengthy exposure on celluloid earlier last year). I do not dare claim to represent the fantasy of everyone, and its more of a game of association here, but I can guarantee some deep thought is being put into this veritable grab bag of bag and hammers.
I was torn between a couple comparative genres that I could start out with, but I’ve decided on something decidedly novel to begin this unusual new blog and this sure to be unique new year. So, like most first times, I’ll start quickly. Without further ado for the First Fantasy Phallus post I bring to you:
Men used to wear codpieces, but what if what they were containing was not the codfish but rather a bi-clawed crustacion? Using an exciting collection I found at this site, Distinctly Rare and Unique Lobsters, I have found a body of material rife for bawdy body comparison. The site appropriately describes lobsters as being “active at night” but, to many men’s jealousy, “lobsters grow throughout their life,” and “the biggest lobster was caught weighing at forty-four pounds.” Thanks to this site, I have imagined a locker’s worth of notable Davy Jones’ and dwellers of the deep…. Let’s take a deep “see” dive into this tidal pool of treasures, shall we?
First stop: JOHN MAYER
A gentleman and a scholar, this outspoken charmer is just as wont to discuss his latest expensive watch purchase as he is to muse on the nature of pop culture or his use of his ferocious underwater friend (I’ve heard rumors). The choice of comparison when perusing these unusual arthropods was not immediately clear, however. Which Nephropidae is Mayer’s nymphatic pal?
The “rare blue lobster” might be appropriate, if his member were to correlate with his music—Wikipedia lists his genre as “Blues-rock, pop rock, blues, blue-eyed soul.” But no, as much as you’d love to imagine those sensitive yet well-crafted songs flowing from a lovely blue member, I think his lobster – and the man—is more than just his music. He takes well-composed pictures, has a knack for finding new talent, makes funny videos and has a wonderful self-awareness that he’s not afraid of hiding. A man like him doesn’t come along very often—he’s rare among the rare. Just as I assume his lobster must be.
So, the big, funny, skilled man that is Mayer, in my books, is packing the Kiwa Hirsuta in his lobster trap.
Not only was this crustateon given a Japanese name—a country that I heard John is into—but it is so rare it was given its own species family and genus. The Kiwa’s – aka the Yeti, or White Lobster’s– “lobster ratio is one in 100 million lobsters.” (Lobster ratio should be a new quantifying factor in most choices in life, no? I digress…) While rumors point to a discrepancy between the number of sightings of this rare creature with John’s, Mayer’s ego and my appreciation of him nevertheless stand, I believe, in accordance with this lobster ratio estimation.
Moving on, we come to the man who’s so deep I think Blue Planet would have to employ James Cameron to come up with a new way to find him. Well, maybe not—he was seen in “The Shaggy Dog.” This man’s troubles makes me almost consider the Rare Blue for him. Yes, we’re talking ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I’ve never really thought much about his downey there muscle before looking at these lobsters (hmm, what does that say about me? Don’t answer.) but when I saw this arthropod, the association was immediate. Of course, with his troubled past but nevertheless luminous abilities and charisma, Downey’s has got to be the lobster with a dark side on the outside.
The colors of this lobster—“brilliant orange” for his Oscar nominations and skills in bagging some lovely ladies, and murky, sulking green for his troubled past exploits and deep, penetrating… eyes—are perfectly half and half, which is how I imagine Downey’s arthropod operates in action: part perfect lover, and part bad boy, deviously playing with anyone who gets in his claws. I mean, look at the grip on the dark claw—there’s a reason they call him Iron Man. I think I know who’d be boss in the aquarium, and I’d be willing to think this rare lobster won’t show up for just any Red Lobster buffet.
For my final phallus of this precious first post, I’m dipping into another realm of notable knobs—someone you might not have heard about and who I only recently discovered through the charmingly excellent device of YouTube. This is “FREZNED.”
Also known as Tom, he’s a charming Australian student (I think?) and Internet aficionado who is currently “#9 most subscribed of all time—Australia.” While this pseudo computer celebrity is so cute I feel almost abashed imagining his power cord, he has made some rather suggestive videos amongst his 100+ posts (like the one about “new jeans”—check it out.)
While his vlog set-up means I can’t see below his camera, this bloke from Down Under has got to have something wonderful down under, I’d imagine. His foppish charm and quick wit, along with his cryptic messages that I’ve never had the patience to decipher but appreciate none the less lead me to believe this mate’s claw has bite. While his self- effacing and sweet personality are disarming, this guy seems pretty confident and I hold to the statement that the sweetest honey comes from the fiercest bee. Bees, power cords… I am getting away with the metaphors. What I mean is, this guy is the Blue Spiny Lobster.
(and appropriately, a YouTube video)
Ferocious creature of the deep down under. He’s got self marketing on Web 2.0 down pat, and if he’s been using his friend’s list like a black book, I’m sure his blue spiny lobster doesn’t need to migrate anywhere—girls would come to him from around the globe.
Well, that’s all I have in me today, but think about those lobsters for yourself and see what strikes your fantasy. I’m sure you’re boiling like a pot of water just thinking of these fellow’s fellas, and I don’t blame you. As the lobster website aptly states, “our world is full of amazing and beautiful creatures.”